The Lucrative Business of Dating Fredward Benson
by Ahhh-A-Bear
Summary: Sam agrees to date Freddie - but on her own terms. It doesn't take her long to realize how profitable her new boyfriend can be. SamxFreddie.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first fanfic, so I'm not entirely sure how it turned out. If you could review and tell me, that'd be great. So is ice cream, but that's beside the point. Anyways, this chapter's in Freddie's POV, but I'll be alternating between him and Sam. I know it probably doesn't look like it, but I have a point. I swear. And it's a good one. I think. I'm going to stop talking (well, typing) and just get one with the story!**

**____________________________________________________________________________________**

I have come to a conclusion. A terrifying, bone chilling, suicidal conclusion. Here goes: I like Sam. _Like _like Sam. You don't know how hard it is to say that and not run for cover. So I've been thinking, maybe if I sort through this I can figure it out and find a way to not get killed. I guess I should start at the beginning. The part where I… well… came to The Conclusion.

ICarly rehearsal had just ended. Well, they hadn't really ended, but I had stomped out. It takes a lot to get me mad enough to walk out on Carly like that. I mean, you should have seen Carly's face. It made me feel terrible! But she just makes me so mad! I bet you can guess that the she I'm referring to – she being a very loose term – is Sam.

You know what she did?!? I'd tell you to guess, but there's no chance you'd ever get it right. I don't even think she knows why she does this stuff to me. Half way through rehearsal, she went downstairs, got a jar of peanut butter, and spread it all over the keyboard of my brand new laptop! It'll take me forever to fix it. I'll have to take all the keys off, then clean them, and then put them all on again! And I didn't even do anything to her! Not that she needs a reason to assault me and my things.

So I stomp out of rehearsal, across the hall, and into my room. I even slam my door despite my mom's strict no-door-slamming-rule. After a few minutes of moping (ok, twenty, but I was upset!) I decided that the only logical thing to do would be to break all ties with Sam. Unfortunately, this meant quitting iCarly, or at least saying I'll quit iCarly until Carly fires Sam. I'm so much more important to the show. Carly knows that!

I walked back across the hall and into Carly's apartment without even knocking, something I never would have done if I hadn't been so upset. Sam was watching T.V. while Carly stood in the kitchen sipping a smoothie and throwing her angry glances every few seconds. At least Carly was on my side. I decided my best bet would be to just come out with it. "Carly, I'm sorry but I can't deal with Sam anymore. I want nothing to do with her. Ever again. Either she quits the show or I do."

Carly glanced up from her drink, noticing me for the first time. Sam on the other hand didn't even acknowledge my arrival. "Freddie, you're being drastic. And if you refuse to work with Sam, then I'm sorry, but Sam's staying. She's not the one that's giving me an ultimatum." Apparently she isn't on my side.

"But she ruined my laptop!" Carly just let out a dejected sigh. "Freddie, that's not the first time she's wrecked something of yours. That's just Sam."

"Exactly! I hate Sam. Either she goes or I do!" Sam didn't even look up from the television.

"Like I said, I'm not going to force Sam off the show. You don't have to go; we'll fix your laptop." Didn't Carly understand what had happened? She completely ruined my computer!

"I do have to go. I'm quitting iCarly. For good." I at least expected Sam to react to this. I mean, when I quit the show for Valerie's Sam practically assaulted me out of anger. Finally, she stood up. Bingo! She would tell me to stay on the show, maybe even apologi – SHE'S MAKING A SANDWICH?!?

I didn't even care how upset Carly was. All I cared was that I just said that I wasn't ever going to speak with Sam again and she didn't even care. I realized that that must mean I care more about Sam then Carly. But I loved Carly! And that's when I….. well….. came to The Conclusion. I just froze. In shock. And horror.

Finally Carly spoke. "Freddie, are you ok? You don't have to quit. We can fix it." I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. Suddenly, I wasn't mad anymore.

"Yeah, we can fix it. I won't quit." And I just walked out of her living room to go home and sit stunned in my room for the rest of the night.

____________________________________________________________________________________

It took me weeks to work up the courage to do something. I tried to be normal (or as Sam would say, as normal as a dork like me could be) but I figured eventually Sam would notice that something was weird and assault it out of me. I might as well tell her with as little pain involved as possible. Although once I actually told her I'd be dead.

I decided it would be best to do it when we were alone. So one night when my mom was gone at some Antibacterial Silverware convention I did the dumbest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I texted Sam to come over to my apartment.

Sitting in my living room, I tried to take my mind off my impending doom by watching T.V., but it didn't work and it only took Sam three minutes to arrive.

"What's the emergency Frednub?" Typical Sam. She feels the need to insult me every possible second of the day.

I stood there too nervous to say anything and Sam was looking at me like I'm an idiot, which I probably am – scratch that, defiantly am – so I just blurt it out. "Sam, I like you." Then flinched away as fast as I could before she could absorb what I said enough to cause me bodily harm. And you know what she did? She just ploped down on my couch and said "'Course you do Fredweird, everyone does. I'm awesome. You didn't have to call me over here at two in the morning to tell me that." And then she got up and started to walk out! Gah!

I'll admit it! I panicked! I just didn't want her to leave. So I did the first thing that came to mind. "No, I mean…. uhhhh….. you wanna go out with me?" I flinched even more at this, sure that I'm going to die. She turned sharply on her heels, and I stumbled backwards. I'd been pressed up against the wall with my eyes firmly shut for what feels like an hour before I finally worked up the courage to crack open one eye and see what she's doing.

She was looking me up and down, like she was actually considering it! This just shows you what a bad person she is, she already knew that she going to walk up to me, yell something insulting in my face, and slap me upside the head, but there she was pretending that I actually have a chance just to get my hopes up and cause me further pain and suffering!

"Just forget it." I say, and then turned around myself, eager to get back to my room and barricade the door and never come out again. Right as I reached the door, I heard her call out to me. "Seventy five." Insane. I've decided that Sam is certifiably insane. I mean, she's speaking crazy talk. "What?" I shot back, too dejected to even attempt at figuring out what she's saying. And what she said next is what confuses me the most.

"Seventy five dollars. I'll go out with you for seventy five dollars."

Like I said, I can't even begin to follow her logic. "Sam that's –" But she just cuts me off.

"Whoops, too late Benson. Now it's up to a hundred."

My mouth dropped into a wide O. "But Sam I-" And she cut me off again!

"Oh look! Now it's a hundred fifty!" Augh! She irritates me!

"Fine Sam, fine. I'll go get my money." As I opened my door she shouted across my living room.

"Bottom row of your bookshelf, behind the encyclopedias!" You know what? It didn't even surprise me that she knows exactly where I hide my money AND felt the need to remind me in the most pompous and conceited way possible.

"I know Sam. I AM the one that hid it there after all." But this doesn't faze Sam at all, she just fired right back.

"Don't get cocky Frednub. I just assumed all that geekyness was leaking into your brain and clouding your memory."

I couldn't resist firing back one more time, though in hindsight it wasn't very smart. "Wow, Sam. I'm impressed you know such big words. I mean, assumed, leaking, clouding, memory, those are third grade level words. At least."

"Two hundred."

Defeated, like always after an encounter with Sam, I retreated to my room to retrieve my – I mean Sam's – money. I'm down to the last part of my Tech Foot money, and I wasn't even going to spend it on something for me, I was going to get a cool new computer program for iCarly. I'm not selfish. I wish I could say the same for Sam.

As soon as I return she snatched it from my hand, and tells me "Mama drives a hard bargain." Then without even a thank you, she left. Even though she just took my money, I can't help but smile. It was a lot of money, but you know what? It had a feeling it was the best money I've ever spent.

____________________________________________________________________________________

**And there you have it!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok, chapter two. Thank you soooo much for the reviews, they are much appreciated. I would give you some of my ice cream, but that would mean giving away my ice cream and who would want that? I know it's been FOREVER since the first chapter, and I take full responsibility for that. I could come up with some big excuse about my computer deleting my files or something, but I really just had writers block and I was lazy. I promise, the rest of the chapters won't be this far spaced. Probably just a few days apart, but I make to promises that specific.**

**This chapter is in Sam's POV, and please ignore any grammatical errors. I don't think Sam is very grammatically conscious. Also, I got all the way done with writing this chapter and realized that I switched tenses. Now it's in present tense. I like present tense better, and the rest of the story will be in present tense (wow, think I've said present tense enough?). I'll go back and fix the first chapter eventually.**

**For the record, Sam DOES like Freddie; I just think it would be extremely Sam-ish of her to figure out a way to get something out of it. Also, she doesn't know it yet, but I don't think she's going to have a moment where she suddenly realizes it, like Freddie did. I don't think it sounds Sam-ish at all. Personally, I think Sam probably liked him all along and just didn't realize it because she doesn't have any guy friends to compare her feeling to. Freddie can be like "well I feel this way about Carly and this way about Sam so….." but Sam can't really do that. I think she just probably thinks she feels normally towards Freddie. It'll all work out in the end, though. I command it to.**

**Anyways, I'll quit boring you and get on with the story.**

You know what's annoying? Fatcake wrappers. I mean, they're like impossible to open and then they slip out of your hands and splat on the floor. Why don't they just sell them without the wrappers? What, they don't want the fat cakes to get dirty? I'll tell you something, dirt never hurt anyone, but splat-ed fatcakes sure did.

You know what else is annoying? Fredweird. He texted me at 11:30 this morning just to say '_What's up?'_. What's the matter with that boy to wake me up that early?!? And you know what else he did? He came over and interrupted me and Carly's important Girly Cow Watching. The nerve! Bugging me _twice _in one day? I'm gonna hurt him for that.

Me and Carls were just sitting on the couch minding our own business (well, really we were minding Girly Cow's business, but she's got her own TV show so I doubt she minds us spying) and he just walks in! Doesn't even knock! Frednerd should always knock. It gives us a chance to ignore him. We can't ignore him and pretend to not be home if he's standing in the living room! Well, we can, but it's less convincing.

I, on the other hand, never have to knock. I'm always welcome at Carls'. I'm awesome. Just sayin'.

So anyways, we were just minding Girly Cow's business when he bursts in. And he didn't even bring any ham. He's not even acting his normal dorky self (which isn't all that normal, but still…). He's kind of just standing there, staring at Carly. It's creepy. I kind of want to say something, but that would require effort and right now he's not really worth it. Carly will notice soon anyway. She's got some kind of Freddork-sense that let's her know when he's staring at her. It happens a lot.

"Ok Freddie, what are you doing?" Ha! Called it. I'm so smart. "Nothing. Can't a guy come over to see his girlfriend without everyone acting all suspicious?" Oh, Fredweird. You really shouldn't try and act so cool. You're not fooling anyone. "Well you could, if you were a guy."

He opens his mouth to yell at me, but Carly cuts in. "Freddie, you know I'm not your girlfriend." Oh, yeah. I probably should've mentioned something about that, too. I throw in a "Carly will never love you" for good measure. Fredpuke decides to ignore that one. "I didn't mean you, I meant Sam."

Carly spit a mouthful of Pepi Cola all the way across the living room. It hit the TV right in the middle of Girly Cow's face. If only we had filmed it, it would've looked great on iCarly. And it wasn't even planned! She turns to me, wanting an explanation. Eh, too much talking. I get as far as "Oh, yeah. 'Bout that…." before I get bored, shove a handful of chips in my mouth, and turn my attention back to the TV.

She grabs my shoulder and shakes me back and forth. "SAM! Tell me what's going on right now! You promised no more secrets!" I just shake my head. "Em eetin! Mm mow iffull." She wiped little bits of chewed up chips off her face and crosses her arms. Man that chick is stubborn! Fine. "Fredward gave me two hundred dollars to date him. Big deal." Fredweird disagrees with this. If he wanted to tell the story, he was welcome to. He knows how much I hate talking to people. Ham, though, is fine. I don't mind talking to ham at all.

"_Gave_ you? You practically stole it!" Man that boy is stupid! Bugging me twice AND yelling at me? Who does he think he is? "You looked pretty damn happy last night Fredward! So I suggest you shut your mouth before I shut it for you." The dork opens his mouth to yell something back (which will be stupid and lame) but Carls interrupts. "Sam! You can't pretend to like Freddie for $200!" Psh! Who said I was pretending to like him? "I'm not pretending to like anyone! Freddork knows I hate him, don'tcha?"

He says that yes, he does know this, but he's _smiling_. Told you he was weird. I go back to watching Girly Cow. Shoot! It's almost over. I missed the good part. See what good comes from talking to people? None. But he keeps talking!

"Sam, I was wondering if maybe, we could kinda, go on like, a date or something?" I'm ready with my "no way dork face" when a brilliant idea comes to me. This 'dating Fredward' thing could work out good. I could really get something out of this. "Ok, for twenty bucks." He doesn't even think about it. "Sure, yes, absolutely, of course. Thanks Sam."

Carly screams. "Fine! If you two want to sit here and torture each other, that's fine with me! But I'm not going to sit here and watch!" Then she storms upstairs. I know I should be upset about this, but I'm too busy thinking of my now growing stash of money. (Trampolines were cool, but I've moved on to bigger and better things. Like hot tubs.) I could get used to this.

**Tada! Chapter two! Like it? Hate it? Didn't read it? If you could tell me, that'd be great, but I'm not going to be all "Review! Review! Review!" because that would be totally hypocritical of me. I hardly ever review. I know, I'm bad.**


End file.
